Suckage [ 2008-02-07, 1:56 a.m. ]

So this is what my friend wrote me back:

I suck. I know I suck. If it makes you feel any better (although I'm sure it won't), everyone and everything has already told me I suck and I literally spent the evening making a noose and then failed to find a place strong enough to support it. Just forget this whole sorry episode if you can. I'm pretty sure I've lost what was left of my mind and I have no idea what I'm doing. After almost 2 1/2 years of not smoking, I've just chain-smoked an entire pack of cigarettes... I guess hoping I'd o.d. on nicotine. I didn't even want to see that stupid movie. I'm sorry I'm a lunatic. I truly do not know what is wrong with me. Again, I suck.

And this is what I wrote back:

You do not suck. But I think the reason why your previous message hurt my feelings was because it felt like I was being attacked. And being told, in no uncertain terms, that I was a self-centered bitch. I'm going through and have been going through a lot of stuff in my head. For me, going to the movies is really hard to do. It means I have to leave the house. It has nothing to do with whom I'm going to the movies with. I just started Welbutrin today in addtion to Paxil in the hopes (according to my dr.) that it will help my energy level and attention span.

So, I can't say I can forget the whole thing but just know that I understand that my reply to your initial invitation sounded flippant. It wasn't meant to. My sentence about being "picky about free things" was supposed to be self-deprecating.

I do wish we could do something together other than movies. I can't afford to eat out much and you don't like coffee shops which is my natural habitat. We'll have to come up with something else. Maybe when spring arrives, which should be anyday now it seems, we can go to the park or something like that.

Put down the noose (don't even joke or think about suicide. I've been close to it too many times) and the pack of cigs. Take care of yourself.

Gotten no response but I just wrote it a couple hours ago.

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Ryan Adams