I want to know what you're feeling...there are some things you can't hide [ 2008-05-11, 8:29 p.m. ]

I thought I was over him. Or beginning to be. But no. Such is not the case. You know whom I speak of. Anyway, I went last week with Jim and Alli to see "Ir0n M@n" (loved it!) and I thought..I can do this. I can just see him as a friend. Then Alli was leaning on his shoulder and I felt this pang in my heart. Not a "oh I wish I had somebody I could do that with". But "dammit. all I want to do is put my face in his neck and kiss him". This past Friday was the Radiohead concert. Alli and I drove there together since it was a Friday and Jim would be north of town anyway since that is where his job is. The traffic was awful. So she and I were in the car for a while. She was telling me how in less than a month she was going to China to teach English at the same place where Thomas (see last summer's entries for clarification there!) is. She's going to be gone for at least the summer. If she likes it she might stay on or go to Costa Rica where her sister, Brooke, is teaching. Lord. My first thought was "Are you and Jim over?" She answered that without my asking by saying that Jim was just going to be here in town "chilling". She said that she and Jim had always planned to go travelling in summer 2008 but he wasn't prepared to do so. But she is. She's been a nanny for a while herself and is ready for a change.

So...I felt so duplicitous with my heart leaping at the thought that maybe I could have more Jim time now. That I wouldn't have to think about seeing them together. Who knows if I'll get to see him a lot or not but at least the thought is there.

Anyway, the concert was great. My seat was further back than I would have liked but they sounded fantastic as usual. All through the concert while Radiohead played the soundtrack of my emotions I was thinking about Jim and Alli together. Hugging and kissing. If it weren't for my meds I would have started crying. Gah.

Afterwards, I hugged Jim and tried to act all together. Alli and I got in her car and Jim called to suggest we all go to the karaoke bar where they could get a bite to eat. At first I was for it. But my mood started to dampen and I realized I couldn't sit there watching them together. I just couldn't.

So there you go. A summary of what is on my mind. (By the way, still no cable/internet at home)

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