I'm a loser,baby [ 2009-06-02, 12:48 a.m. ]

It is one of those weeks where my emotions go boinging around.

Remember how I said I was going to try to go out last Saturday because Jim had sent me an invite on Facebook about a band he liked that was playing at a small club in town? Ok, first...he sent it to everybody who is his friend on Facebook. Cause I'm just that unspecial. So, that dimmed the enthusiasm. I was off on Saturday but I did have the thought of having to be at work on Sunday at 8am looming over me. I could have switched shifts most likely but decided against it. Anyway, on Saturday I just slept and slept like I had been drugged. So I didn't wake up till 1am that night. One of my dreams had me waking up and wavering about going and then my dream self realized how much I needed to see Jim. I haven't seen him in a fucking year! But by the time my dream self got there the club was closing up. Always too little too late for me. Even in dreams.

I realize how much I miss him but I know that I'm only a distant friend to him. Not really close. Haven't been in a very, very long time.

To top this feeling of loneliness off, B hasn't been around as much online for several days. He hasn't been completely absent but not there enough to have me chat with him. And I miss that. I really do.

And then today I went on Facebook and saw that Tracy, the manager from work that I mentioned had IM'd me last week and with whom I have gone to a concert before, was having a small get together of people for her bday today at a restaurant. Invites were sent out by her best friend who is also one of my "friends" on Facebook. I saw on the event (yes, I looked it up)page for it that one of the booksellers (who Tracy is an MOD for sometimes and apparently is one of Tracy's friends even though Tracy claims to have a rule about not friending booksellers) was going and that another former cafe worker was going and that Caleb, our cafe mgr, had been invited but hadn't responded yet. It just pisses me off, ya know? I get that people can invite who they want but what the fuck?

I just keep having this feeling of being left out of things and it sucks. I actually do have plans to go out by myself on Thursday night because my former club owner boss, Jeff, is opening a new club and I'm on the fan page for it because I was on the fan page for our old club. I'll go and I'm sure I'll see people I know and everything but I know I will get that cut off from the crowd feeling. I really need a shot of self-esteem.

0 comments so far

last - next

Ryan Adams