A lie. The truth. Which one shall I choose? [ 2009-07-07, 9:04 p.m. ]

I don't feel like rewriting everything I just wrote on my fave message board so here goes with the c&p:

I had a total freak out at work this morning. I came in after being off yesterday for the dentist and found that not as much had been done for our new displays as I'd hoped. But I dealt with it. But by the time our weekly managers' meeting commenced at 8am I was all sweaty. Anyway, I sat down waiting for the meeting to start and I looked at my pile of stuff and suddenly realized that I hadn't completely a project that was due for the meeting. This had me suddenly breaking into tears. I really just wanted to get up and run to the bathroom and cry my guts out. Instead I had to dab at my eyes like there was something in them while we went around the table. I tried to not look at anyone directly because I knew my eyes were red-rimmed. And I had to admit that I'd run out of time, which is what had happened, this past week to finish the project. All I kept thinking was that at our one on one meeting on Wednesday she will totally bring this up and it will be one more thing against me. When I tried to tell her later that the last week had been crazy for me and I could show her my schedule she just said "Can I show you how crazy my schedule was?". I didn't retort "But you weren't chained to your department by yourself the whole time, were you?!"

This rant is in this Mental Health thread because of the next thing. I was walking around trying to do things and I couldn't stop tearing up. I felt like that fucking sword of Damocles was falling on me. Then I realized that I'd screwed up a sign and I just kept spitting about how stupid I was. And then I finally went to the bathroom and sobbed my heart out. Thankfully, one of my co-workers, Tracy, noticed how upset I was and hustled me off to lunch ASAP. The downtime did me good and I was able to not wig out the rest of the day but still.... The tension inside of me is awful. I feel like I am such a loser at times like those. Things had been fine really, mentally, until that moment I knew I had failed at something once again.

And also....

I am so peeved right now at my friend, Kathy. A couple of months ago when I brought up that our 25th high school reunion was coming up in October and that she had agreed a few years ago that if I wanted to go then she would go...well, she agreed to go. Not giving me any actual sign that she did not want to. So, I've been looking forward to us and her husband (who is a good guy and I'm glad they're married to each other) going to this shindig up in Roanoke,VA. Today she sends me an email saying that high school held too many bad memories for her and that also the trip would cost too much (part of that is because they'd have to have their cats taken care of while they're away,I think). And she didn't want to come back from the trip depressed and also having to deal with the financial strain. Ok, financial strain I totally understand. Completely valid reason. But I can tell you that her high school experience was similar yet a bit better than mine (just take my word for it) so this whole crap about anxiety of going is bull. She has a HUSBAND! She doesn't have to now think of going in there ALONE. Fuck. I wish she'd just say no to begin with. I'm going anyway. I'm not backing out. But I'm pissed and I really don't want to email her back with the way I feel right now.

I just wrote her the following email: Kathy, I'm not going to lie and say that it's ok. But I'm not mad. I wish you trusted yourself more on being able to handle seeing all these middle-aged people but nevertheless, I do understand the financial thing. It's going to suck walking in there by myself, though. I don't know that I can really ask Brooks to go with me. Who knows. But I will try to have a good time but it won't be near as much fun without you. Love, J

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