I want to know what the hell you are thinking. [ 2009-08-10, 9:35 p.m. ]

The funeral on Friday was, well, sad but afterwards we got to spend some time together with my cousins. My aunt was religious so during the funeral there was a lot about her being in heaven and quoting the bible. It was fine, I mean. I understand that people want that at the funeral and that it can be a comfort. But being at a funeral makes me think of what I want at my own. Of course, I plan to be cremated so I guess mine would be a memorial. I'm aware that these things are really for the benefit of the living but I just don't want something done that is hypocritical to how I lived. Nothing like "Oh she was so brave. She never complained." Ha. I complain plenty. As for brave, eh. You live with what you have to live with. That isn't bravery. Understand that I take nothing away from how my aunt lived her own life. She really was a person who gave it her all and didn't just lay down and die.

So at my memorial it will be karaoke at a bar. Maybe some home movies to bring on the tears. And plenty of alcohol. But mainly laughter. Cause that's what keeps people going in times like those.

Moving on...

I'm concerned about my "relationship" with Brooks. I haven't spoken to him by IM since Wednesday night. I've seen that he's on Facebook off and on but nothing really much in the way of commenting towards me really. He was online last night and didn't IM me. Saw him on there again this evening..and nothing. Fuck. I hate feeling like I did something wrong but not knowing what.

Other news...

My weight loss has hit a standstill. I'm sick of doing this by myself. I am going to go a weight loss clinic on Wednesday. It cost a little bit but I have some to spend. I just need some support and some one on one type of consultation for my diet/nutrition and other things. I know some may see it as throwing good money after bad. But being obese and 43 and never being very successful at losing weight makes me want help. So I'm going to try it.

Tomorrow night I'm going with Helen and her daughter and a friend to see the B-52's in concert. Should be a lot of fun!

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