Sorry. This is one depressing entry. [ 2009-11-07, 12:44 a.m. ]

God my life is wretched right now. I haven't had my medication for my anxiety/depression in 3 days and it's shot my life further to hell. Truly. I feel every single thing 100 times fold. Every single thing is one huge shit pond.

I want Charles to like me as more than a friend but it's a struggle to even try. We've been texting tonight since his band is playing out a place 90 minutes from his town. And it's been fun and funny. But then I will just start thinking about things and I'm depressed again. Fuck. Fuck. And then I happened to think to myself. "I wonder when the last time a guy wanted to kiss me and actually did so?" And I came up with ....probably 20 years ago. Yep. I've kissed a couple of guys since then. But it's been ME kissing them. Not the other way around. And the last time I kissed a guy I then went home and wanted to slash my wrists. So..that didn't go well.

Why is this wall around me? Does every fat woman have to deal with this? Why do I even dream and try at all? What's the fucking point?

And why can't my cough go away? I hate feeling like total shite.

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Ryan Adams