Comments:

Smed - 2007-06-09 11:35:42
Hang in there. And lay off the Radiohead!!
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boom boom - 2007-06-09 11:46:31
yeah, what smed said!
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It doesn't matter.... - 2007-06-10 21:52:01
I'm glad that your friend helped you last night (or whatever night it was), sounded like you really needed someone to talk to. I know what it feels like to be in your state of mind, and it really sucks. I know what it feels like to get wasted, smoke as much weed as possible, and make it a mission to get laid. I know what it feels like to wake up and want to die. To try and kill yourself, or to self-mutilate in the process. I know what it feels like not to be able to sleep, because your thoughts and troubled are taunting you. I know what all of this feels like, and for this I hurt for you. I hurt because it's so hard to deal with a life like this, and to feel as though the air is so heavy that you can barely walk, or breath. It almost feels like your swimming, except drowning. It's such a hard way to live, and I wouldn't wish it on anybody. I know what it's like to go to a psychiatrist, be prescribed medication, and bounce from one to the other because they all don't 'understand me' or seem like they're just staring off into space while I'm exposing myself. I know what it's like after all that to go home and cut myself just to watch my skin bleed. I've been where you've been, and it's a miracle that I am still alive to write you this story on DiaryLand. It's amazing that I am still breathing to this day. I tell you my life story not for pitty, but more of a reassurance that I have been there, and I know what works. Medicine couldn't help me, psychiatrists couldn't help me, my family and friends couldn't help me, and I sure couldn't help me. I did find help though. God helped me. God forgave me from all that I did, and all of the shame that weighed me down. God helped me feel like I was worth something, when the only thing I could feel was worthlessness. Sometimes, when you live the lifestyle that you do, and that I did, it's because there's this deep inner void. There's something missing and we're trying to fill it with sex, alcohol, weed, thoughts of suicide to take it all away, or anything else we can think of. Something to make us feel like we're worth something, and something to make our life feel a little more whole. My dear, you're looking for it in all the wrong places. So you may not take my advice now, and you may be thinking that I'm some sort of 'religious fanatic' and shun what I'm saying right away. But just know when all of your other avenues begin to fail, that there's a higher power in our midst that will never fail you. A higher power in our midst who truly cares about you, and will never leave you no matter what. A higher power who loves you more than anyone else, including your family.. A higher power who cherishes you, and doesn't want to see you suffer. A God, who sent his son down to earth, to be persecuted, spit on, mocked, and ultimately killed through crusifiction by the Romans just for you. Just for you to live with peace, and for you to live with a fulfillment and a space for that whole in your heart. His son is the only person who can help you. Jesus is the only thing that can make you whole. So if you don't take this advice now, I hope that it will come to you down the road of what I have said and after ever other avenue has failed, you will look for the help in the only avenue that will work. In the only avenue that will prove right. In Jesus, the only son of God. He was killed in the worst way possible, as a sacrifice for you. He loves you, he's just waiting for you to love Him back.
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