Dudes, I'm watching 200 Cigarettes. I saw this in the dollar movie theatre back when it was out. My sis, Mandy and I saw it together. And somewhere I have the video of it. But here I sit watching it on TBS. I should be asleep! I have to be up at 9:30am. I work 11-7:30 tomorrow.
So I have figured myself out...a little bit at least. I've started reading a book called quirkyalone. And quoting from the site:Who are the quirkyalones? There are many definitions, but we'll start with this one. Quirkyalones are romantics who resist the tyranny of coupledom. Whether by birth (womb quirkyalones) or through life experience (born-again quirkyalones), we are independent-thinking people who would prefer to be open to finding that magical click (and the myriad possibilities that life has to offer) rather than exist in a stifling or unsatisfying romantic relationship.
I took the quiz and found out that I'm a higly quirkalone. Now this isn't much of a surprise, I guess. I love being alone...most of the time. Being the baby of the family, I'm five years younger than my middle sister, I had to pretty much entertain myself growing up. My sisters had each other since they're only two years apart. And being a reader means I like time alone. I really can't imagine living with anyone. Not anytime in the near future. I'm not anti-social. I'm just okay with being alone rather than having to be with somebody just for that sake. I mean, when I was up in Raleigh visiting Kathy and Robert, it was so great being around them for those 3 days. I totally enjoyed it. But it was very nice to come back home and just have my quiet time. Anyway. Go take the quiz if you think it might apply to you.
Last night I was chatting at my message board that I frequent with another poster there. She was going thru a rough time, feeling bad about herself. She is a cutter and had cut herself a little bit earlier in the evening and was feeling worthless. Almost suicidal. I kept talking to her and told her how much I understood where she was coming from. I've never been into cutting but I started pulling my hair when I was 11 years old when my family moved to a different city. I kept doing it for a few years and finally when I got to be around 19 (I think), I got it under control. Meaning, yes, I still do it but not nearly as bad as it was. Its hard to describe the feeling cutting or hair pulling or the like gives you unless you've done it. Making yourself feel something but being in control (to a certain extent) of that feeling. I don't think that completely describes it but there ya go.
She was also talking about how often she thinks about suicide. Another thing I have in common with her. But its not an overwhelming urge though. Its more analytical. Like "I wonder what running into that tree would be like?" or "How would that knife feel?". I've been lucky enough to never take it to extremes. Plus ...well I don't want to sound melo-dramatic which is how all this can sound. Drama queen. Bah. Whatever. They are my feelings. And one day I'll see a therapist about it all. And if it ever gets to where I feel out of control I have people to help me. So this is not a cry for help. This is just my diary.
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