The Hours [ 2004-04-03, 4:32 p.m. ]

My day off. Yay.

I just watched The Hours. I really didn't expect to like it as much as I do. Sure its a bit depressing but not really if you focus on what it says. Even when you're depressed or just have been feeling sad, you can still have moments of happiness. Seize those moments with both hands. As someone who has gone in and out of depression, I know how true that statement is. Not everyone will see how depressed you are because you can still laugh.

But its those moments when you are alone with your thoughts..your feelings..and those stupid voices that tell you how stupid and meaningless your life is ..that is when the depression sets in for real. So take those moments of happiness when you can. Maybe if you do it enough those moments can add up to more than those awful moments. Those hours can become days and so on. The point of the movie for me.

I'm not depressed now. But I always have moments where I try to avoid going where my thoughts are leading. Sometimes its easy to brush it off. Other times I just want to bury my head in my pillow and wait for a better day. Just let the whole day go by without thinking too hard. Because the harder I think the more depressed I tend to be. That feeling of being overwhelmed by everything. Unfortunately, the longer I avoid handling things the bigger the problem becomes. It can be little things like housework. Or bigger things like paying bills. And huge things like my own health and wanting to change jobs.

Several hours later. I made a mistake and laid down for an hour or so. I had the such a depressing dream. I've never woken up crying from a dream before. The way that the dream went was this. I was with my family and we were visiting my grandparents (my grandparents are both dead). It was my sisters and my parents and I. The whole family unit. It seemed to be a nice day and there were hugs at the end of the visit. My grandparents were laughing and healthy. At one point my Mom goes to take a picture of my Dad and I. I was sad and couldn't smile. I started crying quietly and looked at my Dad and said "You don't know what I know". Then the dream was like looking at pictures of the day. Alot of it was my sister, Mandy, taking the pictures. There were some of her and her firstborn son at the age of 5 (he's a grown adult now). Then you see the scene of my Dad and I sitting on the ledge where my Mom was trying to take our picture. But this is through my sister's eyes now. She sees my face crumple as I start to cry and say "You don't know what I know". I could hear her say "Oh, Judy" in those sad voice. I woke up crying and proceeded to cry for a while. Just thinking about it makes me want to cry. I guess what has depressed me in the past couple of years (besides other things) is the fact that my parents aren't getting any younger. It scares me so much to think of them dying. Being without them will probably kill me. I almost regret watching The Hours now. Its like those depressing thoughts started coming up and were brought forth in my dream. I really wish I had a comedy to watch right now.

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Ryan Adams