Dream a little dream of me [ 2005-01-03, 9:40 a.m. ]

I had a nice time New Year's Eve. Michael and Paco had also invited Paul, who is from Indonesia, over. I like Paul so that was cool. I don't mean LIKE like. He's just fun to talk to. He's been in the country for 8 years and is on his way to being a citizen. Mainly, we all just talked and listened to music. Turned on the tv close to midnight to watch the ball drop and then turned it off again. I had a glass of wine and a few sips of champagne which is apparantly my limit now. Paul and I both didn't leave till around 3:30am.

I had some bizarre dreams on Saturday. One was about Jerry Orbach,whom I am still in mourning for. In my dream I was in NYC and he was tending bar at this small place. I went in and recognized him as Jerry Orbach but in reality he'd never had an acting career. I sat there and I talked to him and pleaded with him to go to the doctor. But then he told me that they had already found the cancer and it was too late. That was a sad dream but it was nice to talk to him anyway.

My other dream was more like a movie. I can't even go into all the details,it was too complicated. But it boils down to Michael Keaton (who has a new movie coming out and was in my brain for some reason) was an FBI agent who was doing surveillance on me and my family for some reason. I knew he was there, he was practically living in the house. I left the house and went to some big mall. Spent money I really didn't have on really expensive things. I guess I was using a credit card (which I don't have). So I go back home and I'm completely appalled at this huge mistake I'd just made. I go over to Michael Keaton and he plays me this tape that he'd found in the house. It was one of my old diary audiotapes that I used to do. At first I'm completely mortified that he is listening to it but I'm not angry. I'm singing on the tape and playing acoustic guitar. After the song is over, he takes me in his arms and tells me how much he loves me. He was trying to find proof that I was less closed off than I appeared. I remember thinking how wonderful that feeling was. Having him hold me and making me feel warm and safe. After that I told him about my stupid spending spree and while he was frustrated at what I did, he helped me solve the problem. He was just happy that I trusted him enough to tell him about it.

I woke up from that dream thinking that it was really one of the best dreams I've ever had. It also had this alternate ending with a lot of action and gunplay. That's what happens when you watch Collateral twice in a row.

But back to the dream. If there is one thing I'd love in my life, it would be having a relationship with a guy like that. One that is supportive and caring. Its hard to see that happening anytime soon but it would be nice.

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Ryan Adams