What is my deal? [ 2007-06-19, 12:06 a.m. ]

This depression that I'm going through right now is making me eat again. And just because I have less high fat stuff in the house doesn't mean that I should eat a huge amount of it. It's like I can not stop myself. I guess I really am medicating myself again with it, Paxil or no Paxil, that's my emotional reaction when I want to deaden myself. Eat. A lot. It's so much better than thinking.

But it stops now. I do not want to undo all the good things I've done for myself physically these past few months. I would so hate myself more if I gained all of the weight back. I had hit a plateau a month or so back but all that means is that I need to walk the neighborhood...get out the damn house....do some exercises, dammit.

I went to trivia night last night and it just wasn't fun for the first time. But let me tell you why. I had texted Thomas (the trivia guy) and asked when trivia would start. He said "no sooner than 10:15". I guess he was someplace before. Anyway, I got there around 9:40 and I was hoping to hang out with Charlie (whom I haven't really hang out with much since before my vacation...I miss doing that). But he wasn't there. However, a bunch of the "freaks" (I use that term loosely..it's really their own term) were there spinning some hard industrial dance music. Now..don't get me wrong. I've danced to that stuff before and sometimes I like it. But not at the bar where you're just chilling and talking. Anyway, Monday night is usually freak night (meaning lots of goth people, ..people who go that Purgatory thing I mentioned a few entries back) but for some reason J.(who is co-owner with Ken of the bar) had said they could hang there last night.

So James, one of the usual trivia guys, was getting all antsy about the music while I was just trying to stay calm about it all. Thomas finally gets there and starts setting up. The freaks are going to play music between questions is the decision. Which was just damn stupid because it's a bit hard to concentrate with that kind of music blaring.(/old lady rant)

At the same time while Thomas is setting up, in walks this guy Ed who is sort of a regular but not there much on karaoke night so I don't know him too much. He sitting at the end of the bar where James is sitting. Ed seemed to already have had some drinks and started with beer and shots. He was loud, gregarious and a bit obnoxious. We start playing the trivia game and Ed keeps jabbering right next to James. Finally James just snaps and I think he told Ed to shut up. Ed goes on this big speech about how he knows the owners, how he's in there all the time...blah blah blah. WTF? It was so stupid. Just say, sorry and move, you fucking drunk moron.

At first James leaves, then Ed leaves. Then Ed comes back, James comes back and then Ed starts in on him again. I plug my ears from the noise of the goth music and Ed's voice. I look over at him and then I'm looking straight ahead at Kristy,the bartender. She asks if I'm alright. I make my decision..and say to her, "I'm going home" and pick up my purse and leave. Because when I decide I've had enough, then that's it. I go. I was not having a good time. Not enough of my trivia peeps were there at all or else I could have stuck it out for a while. And mainly, Charlie wasn't there. (no, I still don't have a crush on him but I do like hanging out with him still).

So that was last night. I ended up watching "The Prestige" which was fan-fucking-tastic. Today was mainly sleeping, dealing with my second day of my period...ugh, visiting with my mom, washing clothes, watching season 2 Sopranos episodes with my mom and just trying to stay cool in the heat.

I guess I should sleep. But I'm kinda restless. Stupid me sent a myspace message to Eston about getting tickets to see Peter Bjorn & John in Sept. But really I just can't stop contacting him even though he doesn't contact me back. I saw him briefly on Wednesday night at the bar but he was in and out of there after saying hello to me. Did I mention I called him on my way home that Friday when I was suicidal? He was nice about just saying he was turning in soon for the night (it was after 2am) and I was just asking what he was up to. I have no idea what I expected. I am oddly fascinated by him and can't seem to not want to reach out to him. Gah. I really am stupid.

But I would rather see Will again. Maybe this week. If not, then I have to let that go.

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