A Fresh Start [ 2005-05-04, 3:36 a.m. ]

Been a few days. I had wanted to wait till I had some definite news about something but what the heck..

I decided on Sunday to look into filing for bankruptcy. There is no way around it. I've been battling this for over 3 years. I can't take it anymore. Unless you've lived with this kind of debt for a long time, you have to understand what it does to your frame of mind. Its hard to really believe I can do anything. Save for anything.

I'm going to talk to a lawyer tomorrow at 3pm. It will cost to use him but I can pay in installments so I think I swing it. I have to.

I would try to do-it-myself but I have little confidence and patience in doing that kind of thing. Its worth the peace of mind for me to hire a lawyer. Its going to be kind of scary since I've never been to see a lawyer. Scary as in ADULT. As glad as I am to be rid of teenagehood (way long long time ago), it can really suck to be an adult sometimes. Normally it doesn't but in this instance, yes it does. I have nobody to go with me. Not that I need somebody to be but ya know, its kinda lonely having to go through this alone. That's one of the reasons why I wanted a lawyer.

I'm going over to my parents' after the appt. and I'll tell them about it then. I don't know what they'll think exactly but they know I'm pretty financially strapped. I borrow money enough from them.

I think the next few months are going to be challenging and a bit scary. But if I can make it through, I feel like I'll have a fresh start. I can save money. I think I'll be more frugal when I know that the saved money is going to the bank. Saving to go to London is the goal. The place I've always wanted to go. Second choice,Paris. That's what the Chunnel is for.

But let's not get ahead of myself. One thing at a time. Yesterday I was on the verge of throwing up most of the day thinking about my decision. More nerves than anything.

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Ryan Adams