Attention [ 2006-09-22, 1:29 a.m. ]

I went out to the 80's dance club, which I really think was a mistake. I started out ok. I got there before Julie and went upstairs and drank my drink and danced by myself. Finally, I went downstairs and saw that she'd arrived a while ago. I think tonight I just felt so isolated. Like I'm trying to fit in where I shouldn't. If you were to ask one of the people that I've gotten to know there, I doubt they'd feel that way. But the thing is, I've always felt that way. Like I'm constantly looking in where I want to be.

So I sat down through several songs after dancing some more. I think some of this could be PMS and the alcohol but honestly, I feel like I'm so lonely most of the time that I just want to sob. Which is what I eventually did when I left at 1:15, very early by my standards. Before I left, Ken, who is the co-owner of the karaoke bar and Julie's roommate, came over and thanked me for coming out to the bar last night and said he hoped to see me next week and then hugged me.

The thing is...don't. Don't encourage any kind of attachment with me. Just don't. It isn't good for me. Because he means it one way and I take it as another. Fuck. I fucking hate this part of my life. Where I just want a man to take me in his arms and to soothe me and love me. I hate how alone I feel a lot of the time.

I know it seems like I've been having a jolly time going out this past summer. And I think I really have. I've liked it a lot. But when I feel down like this...I just want to scream and cry. I know people think I'm boy-crazy but what I really am is starved for affection. As Panic! At the Disco would say "desperate for attention".

And it doesn't help that my job is in limbo land right now. The day back went okay at the other store. But tomorrow I close at the location where I'll be training as music manager. I'm tired of all this newness in my life. I can't wait for that part to settle down some.

I just want to starve myself and lose some weight. That's the only thing I've ever been able to do to really get rid of pounds. I know a few months ago it sounded like I was ready to try. But that didn't pan out of course. I shouldn't be near food. Whenever I've lost weight in the past it's been because I've had a man in my life that I'm consumed by. Food meant nothing. It was all about love or lust. I can look in the mirror and like what I see sometimes. But today was a day where I just couldn't feel great about myself. Once my self-esteem starts going down, down goes every positive thought I have about myself.

Yes, I'm a bit tipsy so I'm feeling a bit raw. But basically it's the truth. I feel like part of me is numb or just plain dead. I don't know. I just don't.

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Ryan Adams