Hanging on the Telephone [ 2007-08-11, 8:11 p.m. ]

God, I hate life right now. I have no money. My rent check will bounce unless I can get some funds together tomorrow by selling ample amounts of cds/dvds/lps. Plus, I want to hock a few things. Really, I'm up a fucking creek with no paddles in sight.

I need to find a part-time job but I haven't really done anything about it. Because I like to stick my head in the sand as long as possible and I will make every single excuse there is to not do anything about it. I truly loathe that part of me that won't face things head on right away. I always say "Oh,I'll figure something out. I always do." Well,fuck you, meaning me. I wouldn't be in this mess if I didn't impulsively buy my car at too high of a price without thinking it over first. I love my car. I truly do. And I want to keep it. But I paid through the nose for it and now it's biting me in the ass.

Then the other thing really bothering me is that I can't get a hold of Jim today. Yesterday, he was supposed to, I think, call me about getting together to hang out. I think, if anything, our signals got crossed. I never got a phone call but it didn't matter anyway because I fell asleep when I got home last night.

But today....I sent him one text that just said "Word." which is one of his favorite things to text. No response. So I phoned him around 4pm, got his VM and left a message saying that I wanted to see about getting together tonight to hang out and he could call me at 7:30 when I got off work. No call back. Nothing when I got off work. I called him close to 8pm and it went straight to VM this time without ringing. I hung up and started crying. Most likely his phone is off for some reason. And I need to stop imagining all negative things like "I don't want to talk to her. I'll just let it go to voicemail." Because, frankly, that isn't like him at all. Honestly, if I was more confident in where I stood, I would drive over to his place just to make sure he's okay. But I can't even bring myself to do that. Not right now at least. I mean, who knows? Maybe he's out of town and is getting no reception. I mean, even though I did tell him yesterday that we could wait to hang out till tonight and he didn't mention anything about going out of town...that could be the explanation..that he's out of town. Or just has his phone off because it ran out of power. Or something. I don't know. Maybe he didn't even listen to my voicemail message.

Those are the thoughts I have to keep telling myself so I won't cry. Even though I know I will anyway. I don't want anybody to think or say anything negative about Jim. That isn't what this is about. It's about my own reaction to the situation.

I feel so alone in this financial crisis. I haven't told my parents because they have helped me enough. I just wanted to confide to Jim about this stuff but right now...I can't even reach him.

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Ryan Adams