Muted [ 2008-02-12, 12:27 a.m. ]

Well, it's been a few days. I worked through the weekend and went in today at 12 to work till 8:30pm. When I woke up for some reason at 8am today, I had no idea what day it was. I really didn't. This is what a weird shift on a Monday after working the weekend will do to my brain.

But I'm so glad I woke this morning. I turned on the tv and watched the Today show. They had a bit about something that I think is called selective mutism. They profiled this couple who have a child who was fine at home, talking and laughing and such. But at school or anywhere else, he wouldn't talk. He would be mute. He had a friend at school who usually talked for him (which I thought was very nice. The two little guys were about 7). They interviewed an expert who mentioned things like the child would be so afraid to talk that he would pee in his pants rather than ask to go to the bathroom. He said it was more than just shyness. It's an anxiety disorder which sounded familiar. And then I recalled this moment from 2nd grade where that happened to me. I was so afraid to speak up that I peed in my pants. And I remember other moments where I was afraid to say anything to an authority figure and it turned out badly. (such as not letting a teacher know on a field trip that I'd forgotten to bring a lunch and almost fainting later on). I would also never ever talk to my preacher when I was little. Anyone in authority was just someone that left me speechless. The man they interviewed said there was a different degrees of the condition and I think I had this. I've always told people I was shy but no, it's much more than that. It was always feeling like I was going to be punished for speaking up when I needed to.

It's a bit of a relief to know that other people suffer from this. That I wasn't some weirdo kid. It was fate that I woke up for reason at all this morning and turned on the tv to the Today show which I rarely watch. Life is odd.

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Ryan Adams