Heroine [ 2009-05-02, 6:39 a.m. ]

Ever know that you should go to bed and attempt to sit in the said bed but then you just end up watching tv and never really lying down? Yea, that's me. I sit here watching a silly Lifetime movie from 1995 starring Crystal Bernard of "Wings" fame. It's called "As Good As Dead". It's tasty LMN fare.

Anyway, I'm off this weekend so I can rest my darn leg. I really should have elevated it when I got home. But I will do my best to do so this weekend.

I haven't spoken directly to B since the other night. We've commented a bit back and forth on Facebook so I guess the whole IM thing wasn't a big deal. But I am going to take it cautiously with him. I don't want to be hurt.

Speaking of hurt... I was watching something earlier where somebody described their spouse as their "favorite person" on earth. I smiled at that thinking that would be a great thing to be called and the thought flashed briefly in my mind who my favorite person is and Jim came immediately to mind. Why? I don't know. It isn't his fault that I got my heart broken over him. And frankly I think he's distanced himself on purpose from me for my own good. Maybe he did, maybe he didn't. I'm not sure I'll ever really know. But I would appreciate it if my mind would stop sabotaging the progress I sincerely thought I had made. But I think I was replacing Jim with B. And now that I'm not sure about B...well Jim came back into my head. I need somebody to validate me is the reason, I'm guessing. Jim would make me feel appreciated. And now B makes me feel special. But because I had that misunderstanding of tiny proportions my low self-esteem goes galloping back to somebody who isn't even there for me anymore. I have to know that I'm the one who needs to be my favorite person. Until I can get real reciprocation from a guy that I truly like and love...then I need to be the one to make myself feel good.

God. Too much thinking for this hour of the morning.

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