Tears may blind the eyes but the soul is not deceived [ 2009-07-02, 1:09 a.m. ]

Allow me to wallow and whine. I feel I'm allowed this for a day or two.

Remember how I was given a Needs Improvement review back in April? My boss has done 30 day follow-up with me and they were going ok. I thought. But she gives me one today that was a "if you don't show improvement by the end of the 30 days you will be fired" in so many words. I really don't know what kind of fucking improvement she wants. I just see myself in 30 days being told "well,too bad so sad." I think she probably has my replacement all lined up. She has no idea how much I do in that dept. If she axes me she will find out.

I cried during the meeting, which sucks. But I could not help it. She asked me what I had to say about the review and my words were something like "I...really don't know. I don't have anything to say." I was blindsided. I really felt that I was. She would claim no. That she did everything according to the fucking corporate handbook. But she also claims she's spoonfeeding me the things she wants me to do. Whatever. I can't make people come in to our dept. And I also can't make them spend a ton of money. Not nowadays. I'm backed into a corner. Again.

If I wasn't on a good drug for my depression I think I would be dead now. I don't want to be all melodramatic. But on the way home I was crying and the voice in my brain was going "I'm 43. I'm worthless. I have no real job skills. I have no marriage. No kids. I'm worthless." And I wanted to just ram my car into a tree or telephone pole. But I didn't...obviously. I have to push past all that hate inside of me and move on. Cause I do have a lot of hate. And it's mostly aimed towards myself. For letting myself end up here. Again.

Then tonight, I talked with Helen by IM and she made me feel good. And then B talked to me and I was feeling good but it felt like he said goodnight out of the blue and that got to me. Made me feel paranoid, ya know? Cause everything is my fault. Or everything is about me. I'm self-centered. And nobody really wants to hear me talk about this. If you've read this far, I applaud you.

In a fitting bit of timing, I have a therapy session tomorrow morning before I go to work. I might print this out so I can articulate better about how I'm feeling today.

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Ryan Adams