Hold me [ 2010-05-02, 3:08 a.m. ]

I had such a crap day today mentally. I woke up too early for one thing. But I was just feeling so lonely. So in need of being held. I started sobbing. And I know some of it could be hormones (due to my period) and maybe that I took my last Pristiq pill yesterday after spacing them out for a bit. I also got another legal document from the asshole lawyers about the lawsuit. I've had this bullshit hanging over my head for several months and it's weighing me down.

I sent Brooks a text saying that I need to be held tightly. That it's weird that I miss him so much when I haven't seen him in so long. And that I need him. I know he was probably at work when I sent it and I didn't expect anything back. Not right away.

I ate too much today. Way too much. I never got out of my pjs and robe. Never took a shower. Barely left my room. I hate my depressive tendencies.

After dinner, and just to note that I put on a good face for my parents and I'm sure they had no clue I was so down, I went back to my room and fell asleep till midnight. I still haven't received a text or been messaged from Brooks. I am really not taking it personally. He worked. He maybe feels too tired to talk seriously with me. I understand that. I've been on that side. But I do hope he contacts me tomorrow.

I will shower and go for a walk on Sunday. At least do that one thing.

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Ryan Adams