Ain't that a kick in the teeth [ 2011-07-13, 11:03 p.m. ]

I posted this today on my favorite message board:

I was at work when I finally got a text back from Jim (my phone sucks) about possibly going out for coffee or a beer. He said that tonight wouldn't work because it was "Kerri's night off" and he would be out of town this from tomorrow till Monday but maybe next week. When I saw that name I knew that it meant he now had a girlfriend. I pondered it and tried to push it to the back of my head. I went back to work after being on lunch and then it kept reverberating in my head that I had completely missed my chance. As if I'd ever had any. I started crying. I couldn't stop. I don't have a lot of moments like this anymore but this was one of those when I thought I was done the tears would keep on flowing. I told my boss I had to go and she could see how upset I was. I texted one of my best friends but she couldn't meet up with me since she was still at work. I let myself sob in the car for a while. My self-talk was all "Why the hell would he want you? You're fat. You're old. You're pathetic." I made myself stop but it wasn't right away.

And then I finally drove to the mall, was around strangers for a bit while I did retail therapy, visited a few old co-workers at the bookstore and then stopped at Target before going home. The retail therapy wasn't all that bad for my bank account,thankfully,and it kept my mind off of it. I still feel like I'm in a bit of a fog. And I think I might make another appointment with the mental health clinic to see about possibly getting a prescription for a tranquilizer. I wouldn't have to use it all that much but today it kept me from doing my job.

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